It's a Beautiful Wreck

Loaves And Fishes – Again

Written on August 22, 2011 by Kimberly in Children, Christianity, Church of Kim, General, On the Fence, Poverty, This Post May Be About You

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In May 2010 I wrote the post below and my views have not changed. However the hatred vitriol that spews forth from many conservatives has intensified over the past few months and legislation in several states is now making it mandatory that welfare recipients be tested for drugs to receive benefits. I hate to say it but it appears that members of the Republican Party and Tea Party are not so much anti-government as they are anti-people and by that I mean anti-poor people. For another piece on this topic I recommend reading this post by Chad Holtz Poor People Have Refrigerators!?!

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For the past year and a half that I have been on Facebook frequent groups have started that ask members to “fan” or “like” drug testing for those who receive welfare benefits. Staggering numbers belong to these groups and shockingly the very people from my friends list that profess to be anti-government and believers in the Constitution, not to mention Christians have joined in support.

There seems to be an assumption on the part of people who join these groups that those who need welfare assistance in some way must have some criminal element to them. What happen to presumption of innocence until proven guilty? When is assistance to those in need dependent on whether or not they are addicted to drugs? It seems those people are the very ones who need it more and would require more from us.

These days I know many families on government assistance. Many of them are living in nice homes, trying to avoid foreclosures after job loss. They have children who are not much different than my own. They drive decent cars and wear nice clothes. These people can’t find work, and what little money they may be able to bring in is keeping the roof over their heads and the lights on, but they have to eat. Food pantries are running low because they are servicing so many and church donations are down due to the financial strains of the congregation.

I am sure some of you are saying “I’m not talking about them” but here is the thing, YOU ARE. Why should law abiding, innocent until proven guilty people have to have their civil rights violated for state health insurance and food stamps? Also, if someone is addicted to drugs, the biggest crime they are committing is against themselves and are most likely not committing any other atrocities in our community. If they test positive before getting aid then what? Do we put their children in foster care? Do we arrest them and put them in our already over populated jails? Do we put them in state institutions for rehab? If the purpose of testing people for drugs is to reduce the burden on the tax payer it seems the point would be lost when action would need to take place by who? The government.

Also if you are a Christian, a true believer in the teachings of Jesus Christ, I am wondering if you forgot the story of Jesus feeding the multitudes. In case you forgot, the story of Jesus feeding the multitudes with seven loaves of bread and two fishes is told in all four Gospels. The number of the multitude of people varies in the gospels between 4000 and 5000 people but the number is not what is important, it’s the message. Jesus did not turn away those who had followed him for days listening to his teachings and seeking healing even though his disciples told him to send them away. When Jesus blessed the food and had his disciples to break it up he didn’t put any condition on who received the food. They were hungry and Jesus did not want to send them away with empty bellies.

As Christians we should not put condition on others who are in need. There should be no stipulation on who we help. It should not matter if it’s our middle class neighbor who has lost their job or someone who lives in the projects or an immigrant who does not speak our language. Jesus doesn’t say only those without sin, who worked hard, who got her legally, and who has no addiction come unto me and if Jesus abides in us, neither should we.

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The meaning behind the messages

Written on August 21, 2011 by Kimberly in Christianity, Church of Kim, Facebook, General, On the Fence, This Post May Be About You

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One year ago this was my Facebook status – “Integrity is doing the right thing, even if nobody is watching.” I believe it is self explanatory and bears repeating often. Even when you are alone, you should be authentic. What is the purpose of your life if all you display is half truths and lies?

Four days ago I posted this as my status:

I was born to snoop. I am not sure if this is a bad thing or a good thing. However it pleases me to no end to uncover people’s hypocrisy and it thrills me when I see people’s grown children challenging “rules” set forth by their parents that challenge racism and bigotry.

This goes with my theme of living authentic. A family I know has gone to great lengths to preserve what they perceive as the perfect image, only to have it destroyed time and time again by their children. I have to wonder how these people sleep at night, doing their best to live in the confines of the box they have created. I love though that their children challenge these “rules” by dating outside their race, exploring and learning about other spiritual beliefs, and refusing to dance as fast as their parents tell them too.

Another status from this week was

Too many people have foot in mouth disease. Personally I hope they would choke on it.

I like to believe that people often make dumb remarks because they are ignorant and not cruel. However I know this is not the case. Sometime people say things to destroy another person’s day for the sole purpose of elevating themselves. They may say it in a way to be coy or funny but the real motivation is to say “hey I am better than you”. I would personally like to punch these people in the face.

Yesterday I was inspired to write this little gem:

I’m not sure blessings are blessings if you lie or are deceptive about obtaining them

I’ll be vague. Someone I know did something this past week that was outside the bounds of their comfort zone. It was the right decision but instead of owning it, they lied about it. They played it down and lied about the circumstances in order to make themselves look differently in the eyes of their friends and family. I happen to know the truth and there is nothing wrong with it, it’s just not the “story” this person wants to project. Going along with that same theme, another person was going on and on all over their wall about the blessings they received from God. The truth is these blessings didn’t come from God. These “blessings” were obtained by the person being deceptive. I’m not begrudging the person for getting out of a mess, lord knows we all need a break, but the fact of the matter is the blessing was because they lied through their teeth!

Of course my wall on Facebook would not be complete without a rant about something political in nature. This week it was about legislation to drug test welfare recipients, which I am against.

Newsflash – Drug testing people who apply for welfare is costly. Guess who pays for it? Guess how expensive it is? Guess how much more bureaucracy and legal problems for the states it creates that will lead to lawsuits? More children in our overburdened foster care system (that guess what – qualify for welfare benefits) and more state drug rehabilitation programs THAT WE WILL PAY FOR. Guess what – this type of legislation/program cost the taxpayer MORE MONEY.

People lack common sense. They fail to see who will pay for this kind of thing and do not realize that the burden will actually fall on the taxpayer. All they want to do is pass judgment and say “no benefits for you” thinking they can wipe their hands clean and think there is no long term repercussions. Fools I say – FOOLS. This type of legislation prays on the judgment of others and those foolish enough to think it creates less burden on the taxpayer and the government when actually it does just the opposite.

As you can imagine this ended in a long conversation.

Last for the week is this after going to church this morning:

The problems with churches today is that there are people not being authentic. Wouldn’t it be grand if people stopped being FAKE. How about instead of covering up all your flaws, putting on your Sunday best, and trying to act how you think others want you too, tomorrow you should show up in what you want to wear, act like you do when you are at home or with your friends, and just be YOU.

The only reason I attended church today was because Mr. K was playing the special music. I would really like to be a part of a church, one that was active and real and really serving the mission of Jesus Christ. I feel like I am waiting for that to happen where I am at but there seems to be something missing. I want to see people I care about and nurture the relationships I have with them at church and I guess that is just as good as a reason to go as any to go. However this is not what I want my children to view church as – social hour. I have not gotten any “spiritual food” from the church I attend in some time. Part of the problem is me. I am not 100% sold on being an Adventist these days (a topic for another day). My walk is with Jesus Christ, not doctrine set out by a denomination, with which some I find un-Biblical. Many of the members seemed to have their give a damn broken as well and are not open to change. Some I am not sure are even open to really serving a community in need of love and compassion but more about serving themselves. I wish the focus of most evangelical protestant churches today was less on end times and the afterlife and more on the right now.

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Learning Curve

Written on August 12, 2011 by Kimberly in General

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This afternoon I had a meeting with people who have dedicated their lives to the environment and being outdoors. The moment the meeting started I realized how much I have to learn about being in nature and the people I will be connecting with. The meeting, which I thought would be held in a office was actually conducted outside. Not only was it outside in the 102 degree weather but we hiked trails for the first forty-five minutes.

I was not prepared to hike.

First, I had taken a shower probably not even an hour before, put on my make-up and fixed my hair and had put on slacks. My shoes were slip on Grasshoppers, not exactly suitable for traipsing through the woods. I do not wear these shoes often because they rub blisters on my heels. It didn’t take long to regret not having my Merrell’s with me in the car as we walked towards the woods.

If it is one thing I have learned at this job it is sucking it up, facing my fears, and getting over peeing in the woods. Today I was sucking it up, following my companions in the woods, sweating like a pig over hot coals, and getting blisters on my feet.

By the time we exited the trail I was huffing and puffing. I was also sweaty, had blisters on my feet, and was wishing I had brought along a bottled water. Luckily the people I was with really didn’t care that my hair was getting nasty, my makeup was running, and probably smelled. (okay, I DID SMELL) In spite of my bleeding feet and the way I smelled the meeting went great. The organization I work for will get to partner with some great people on a fantastic project that I will get to utilize for years to come. However, the next time I meet with a bunch of trail blazers I will be sure to wear my hiking shoes and wear extra deodorant.

*This post was not sponsored in anyway by Merrell. I just like their shoes and they are one of the few manufacturers who make shoes large enough to fit my size 11 feet.

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Let’s stop pretending and just tell the truth

Written on July 31, 2011 by Kimberly in Food, General

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You see that picture in the right side bar, that’s not really me. See, that picture was taken before my hysterectomy in 2009. Since then I have packed on fifty pounds. Fifty. I have only been to the gym once and that was to terminate my membership. So that smiling thirty-something year old woman you see when you come to this blog, that is really not what I look like. Anymore. Here I am – one of the few pictures taken of me at my job just two weeks ago.

Yes, I am totally cradling a snake like a baby!

Before I had my hysterectomy I had lost over fifty pounds. I was going to the gym regularly. I felt good and motivated. Now, not so much. Even though I have hiked over 130 miles in the woods since February and have been more physically active, I have not lost one single pound. I have tried a variety of diets to get myself going again, I even attempted walking in the neighborhood – something that has worked for in the past but this time, not so much. I’m not just tired, I have no energy. I feel blah.

I need a physical. I need my hormones checked. I need to have my thyroid checked. I need to have my gallbladder out. (which let me just say is giving me fits on a regular basis) I need to go to the doctor, but I can’t even find the motivation to do that. Please can someone just make the appointment for me and drag me to it? Yeah, I’m whining. I do can muster enough energy to do that.

Have I mentioned that part of my work is to fight obesity and promote healthy lifestyles?

So here I am, an obese chick, and let’s be honest, I am obese. I have all kinds of health risks, and some of them are not going to go away until I weigh less. I am not delusional and there is no pretending that being this size is something fabulous or healthy and you can just forget sexy. I’m shocked that I was able to kayak six miles a few weeks ago and not feel like death when I finished. Frankly, I am surprised I have hiked not only on flat land but in the mountains and not just fallen out. Getting moving has increased my stamina and I do feel better, though exhausted but it’s time to step things up a notch.

I will be doing just that in the coming weeks. Not only will I be striving to get healthy and lose weight, I will also be overcoming some personal fears that I have which I will definitely share with all of you. I’m keeping a lid on what I am doing until I start it because I’m already worried I might chicken out. I did want to come out of the closet (thank God it’s a walk in) and be honest about that picture you see of me. Hopefully in the near future it will be replaced with something more up to date.

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Bail Money Is Not Needed… YET

Written on July 31, 2011 by Kimberly in Children, General, Homeschooling Five, Humor, Kids, Local Fare, Marriage, Mystery Illness, Parenting, Writing

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So I took a break from blogging. For the last six months I have been suffering in the blogging department, putting out so-so material, not really having any direction in my writing. You will be happy to know that that has now changed. There are going to be a few changes over the next few weeks and months and I hope you will stick around and keep reading.

Part of my struggle with writing has come from the fact that Mr. K is still suffering from the mystery illness. Since his diagnosis of Parsonage-Turner Syndrome there has not been much improvement. In fact things have slightly gotten worse and to avoid my blog becoming one of those blogs – and you know exactly the kind I am talking about – I’ve tried to keep my angst and that personal part of our life off the web. That can really stifle your writing, especially when you want an outlet for your emotions and want to write about your anxiety over the unknown while shaking your fists at God.

So I am going to be honest with you all – my anxiety is high. I sometimes can fake that things are fine. I have to keep my shit together because I have five kids and I have a job, but most of all, I have a husband who doesn’t need to worry over me worrying. This part of our life that has left us in limbo now for over eight months has played with my emotions and with my overwhelming need to CONTROL. I can’t control what is going on with Mr. K. He can’t control it. The doctors can’t control it. I just want it fixed and there is no fix. So you can imagine what the last eight months has done to my control freak, demanding and bossy self.

Which leads me to one of the big things going on in my life. I’m working, steadily, and I love what I am doing. I haven’t talked a whole lot about my job here because I’ve wanted to keep my professional life out of my personal life. This also stifles my writing because I want to tell you about what I am doing. I want to tell you how this job is changing my life and how it is impacting my community. I want to tell you about how I am overcoming my phobia of birds and played with snakes. I want to tell you that I surprise myself when it comes to my work because I am really good at it. So I am going to start being more open about my work, what I am doing, and why I am passionate about it.

The kids are older and my parenting is changing, our family is changing. I no longer have a baby at my breast or little ones in diapers. That part of my life is over and the dynamic of our family life is changing because of it. I have a teenager. (wasn’t I just one myself!) Sometimes I feel old and wonder where the last decade went. As our family changes, so do our views and the things that we didn’t think were very important a few years ago are now staring us in the face. I often feel torn between wanting to run screaming from it all or embracing it like a long lost friend. And in a month Mr. K and I will be taking a five day vacation sans children and it will be the longest stretch of time we have ever been without children. Without five children around I am not sure how we will conduct ourselves! ( I am sure good sex, good food, and lots of sleep will take place!)

I am surprised at how incredibly busy I am. I had this delusion that as the kids got older I would have more time for myself. This is so far from the truth. They are actually more demanding. And the fighting. The arguing among them all is exhausting. There are more messes, more responsibility and on top of it all, I home school them. Their education is foremost in my thoughts as is preparing for what awaits them outside our home. I am constantly praying and crossing my fingers that I can get them to adult hood without being too screwed up or warped. I just want them to be able to support themselves and be productive citizens, and anything above and beyond that would be gravy.

As for the title of this post, well for one it was to grabbed your attention. Certain local issues have grabbed mine and enraged me that all common sense has seem to have been lost in Mobile, AL. I oppose a daytime curfew ordinance that our mayor has proposed to fight crime as well as one against “saggy” pants. I will be getting into all that in another post but it would not be surprising if I did something purposely to challenge such ordinances. Thus, why I might need bail money. Of course in jail I would get three square meals a day and possibly some sleep which sounds almost like a vacation! This also could fulfill a need to mentor crack whores but from the inside, because who doesn’t love a rebel?

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