It has been fourteen years since I have gone out of town without a husband or a child in tow.

I drove for four hours today with the radio blaring, playing every kind of music there was to listen too. I listened to country, bluegrass, rap, hip-hop, classic rock, rock, pop, and even some black spirituals. It was nice not having to worry about littles. It was nice not to hear Barny or Disney tunes, whining, or crying. At times I would glance in the backseat and smile, knowing I had it all to myself.

It has been some time that I haven’t had to stop on a road trip to breastfeed, change diapers, take someone to pee, or hell, break up a fight in the backseat. Those pit stops really add the time on to your journey. It was great being able to run into a rest area, do my business and run right back out again and be on my way. I think I had forgotten how much faster you can accomplish things – like going somewhere – when you do not have kids.

And tonight I am going to sleep alone. Something I haven’t done in so long I can’t even recall the last time I did so.

The thing is I wonder if I am going to sleep.

I do miss them.

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.” – Douglas Adams

This past week I heard from some of our friends that they would be praying for Mr. K and I that we would get good news on his medical tests. I didn’t know how to respond but with “thank you”. It is not that I wanted bad news, I certainly would have loved to have gone in there this past Thursday and walked out with conclusive answers instead of furthering putting our lives in a state of limbo, but by the same token I am not one of these people who believe that *I* or my family is any different than any other. Mr. K is no more deserving than any other husband or father of good fortune or bad. My family isn’t any more special than yours. I may joke that I am Jesus’ vice president but I’m not. I am just like any other random mother, wife, woman out there.

Let’s face it, shit happens. When I want to throw a pity party for myself I can give you a long list of things that have happened in my life that are unfair. I think it sucks that a brother I loved and adored was taken from us at the hands of another or that my mother died at the young age of 48 from cancer. My family reunions are held at the cemetery not at a park picnic with southern fried chicken and gossip about who did what to whom. I could tell tales of financial woes, health problems, and even whine about this that or the other that just isn’t fair but I know I am not alone when it comes to suffering, sadness, and being down on your luck.

I am one of those people who believes things happen for a reason. I am one of those people who feel that our lives have purpose and that the tragedies that befall us or the successes that we have have a greater purpose and meaning beyond just ourselves. So while I would really not have to face something unfortunate, the spiritual part of who I am reminds me that 1) I am not in control and 2)what I can control is how I act and 3) there is a something for us to to learn from all of this.

While I am very aware I am totally out of control, I am having a hard time controlling how I act. I cried this weekend because Mr. K made me breakfast. I choked back tears when my gay boyfriends pulled up with chocolate pies and alcohol. I’ve lost my temper with my kids more times than I should have. Yet when I am quiet and still and I think about things, one thing comes to mind and that is that there is a bigger picture, one that I am not privy of understanding and knowing.

Faith to me is not in healing, wealth, or that good things will come my way. Faith to me is weathering the storm or enjoying the bounty. Faith to me is knowing that at the end of the day that in the big scheme of things it will all work out. Faith to me is believing that as long as their is love that we can get through anything and if miracles happen, then fantastic but if they don’t well, hopefully we will have the courage and strength to go on and make the best of it.

“Faith is believing that the outcome will be what it should be, no matter what it is.”  ~Colette Baron-Reid

My daughter Kara just told me that if I eat all of the Krispy Kreme doughnuts that I will die. She is crafty but she is not getting my Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

I am not going to eat the whole box.

I might be lying.

I see myself doing a lot of exercise if I do.

They were cheaper than a doctor co-pay and a prescription for anti-depressants.

Yes, I am an emotional eater.

The fruit filling makes them healthy though.

Right?

Twitter says so.