| It's a Beautiful Wreck

Learning Curve

Written on August 12, 2011 by Kimberly in General

This afternoon I had a meeting with people who have dedicated their lives to the environment and being outdoors. The moment the meeting started I realized how much I have to learn about being in nature and the people I will be connecting with. The meeting, which I thought would be held in a office was actually conducted outside. Not only was it outside in the 102 degree weather but we hiked trails for the first forty-five minutes.

I was not prepared to hike.

First, I had taken a shower probably not even an hour before, put on my make-up and fixed my hair and had put on slacks. My shoes were slip on Grasshoppers, not exactly suitable for traipsing through the woods. I do not wear these shoes often because they rub blisters on my heels. It didn’t take long to regret not having my Merrell’s with me in the car as we walked towards the woods.

If it is one thing I have learned at this job it is sucking it up, facing my fears, and getting over peeing in the woods. Today I was sucking it up, following my companions in the woods, sweating like a pig over hot coals, and getting blisters on my feet.

By the time we exited the trail I was huffing and puffing. I was also sweaty, had blisters on my feet, and was wishing I had brought along a bottled water. Luckily the people I was with really didn’t care that my hair was getting nasty, my makeup was running, and probably smelled. (okay, I DID SMELL) In spite of my bleeding feet and the way I smelled the meeting went great. The organization I work for will get to partner with some great people on a fantastic project that I will get to utilize for years to come. However, the next time I meet with a bunch of trail blazers I will be sure to wear my hiking shoes and wear extra deodorant.

*This post was not sponsored in anyway by Merrell. I just like their shoes and they are one of the few manufacturers who make shoes large enough to fit my size 11 feet.

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Let’s stop pretending and just tell the truth

Written on July 31, 2011 by Kimberly in Food, General

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You see that picture in the right side bar, that’s not really me. See, that picture was taken before my hysterectomy in 2009. Since then I have packed on fifty pounds. Fifty. I have only been to the gym once and that was to terminate my membership. So that smiling thirty-something year old woman you see when you come to this blog, that is really not what I look like. Anymore. Here I am – one of the few pictures taken of me at my job just two weeks ago.

Yes, I am totally cradling a snake like a baby!

Before I had my hysterectomy I had lost over fifty pounds. I was going to the gym regularly. I felt good and motivated. Now, not so much. Even though I have hiked over 130 miles in the woods since February and have been more physically active, I have not lost one single pound. I have tried a variety of diets to get myself going again, I even attempted walking in the neighborhood – something that has worked for in the past but this time, not so much. I’m not just tired, I have no energy. I feel blah.

I need a physical. I need my hormones checked. I need to have my thyroid checked. I need to have my gallbladder out. (which let me just say is giving me fits on a regular basis) I need to go to the doctor, but I can’t even find the motivation to do that. Please can someone just make the appointment for me and drag me to it? Yeah, I’m whining. I do can muster enough energy to do that.

Have I mentioned that part of my work is to fight obesity and promote healthy lifestyles?

So here I am, an obese chick, and let’s be honest, I am obese. I have all kinds of health risks, and some of them are not going to go away until I weigh less. I am not delusional and there is no pretending that being this size is something fabulous or healthy and you can just forget sexy. I’m shocked that I was able to kayak six miles a few weeks ago and not feel like death when I finished. Frankly, I am surprised I have hiked not only on flat land but in the mountains and not just fallen out. Getting moving has increased my stamina and I do feel better, though exhausted but it’s time to step things up a notch.

I will be doing just that in the coming weeks. Not only will I be striving to get healthy and lose weight, I will also be overcoming some personal fears that I have which I will definitely share with all of you. I’m keeping a lid on what I am doing until I start it because I’m already worried I might chicken out. I did want to come out of the closet (thank God it’s a walk in) and be honest about that picture you see of me. Hopefully in the near future it will be replaced with something more up to date.

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Bail Money Is Not Needed… YET

Written on July 31, 2011 by Kimberly in Children, General, Homeschooling Five, Humor, Kids, Local Fare, Marriage, Mystery Illness, Parenting, Writing

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So I took a break from blogging. For the last six months I have been suffering in the blogging department, putting out so-so material, not really having any direction in my writing. You will be happy to know that that has now changed. There are going to be a few changes over the next few weeks and months and I hope you will stick around and keep reading.

Part of my struggle with writing has come from the fact that Mr. K is still suffering from the mystery illness. Since his diagnosis of Parsonage-Turner Syndrome there has not been much improvement. In fact things have slightly gotten worse and to avoid my blog becoming one of those blogs – and you know exactly the kind I am talking about – I’ve tried to keep my angst and that personal part of our life off the web. That can really stifle your writing, especially when you want an outlet for your emotions and want to write about your anxiety over the unknown while shaking your fists at God.

So I am going to be honest with you all – my anxiety is high. I sometimes can fake that things are fine. I have to keep my shit together because I have five kids and I have a job, but most of all, I have a husband who doesn’t need to worry over me worrying. This part of our life that has left us in limbo now for over eight months has played with my emotions and with my overwhelming need to CONTROL. I can’t control what is going on with Mr. K. He can’t control it. The doctors can’t control it. I just want it fixed and there is no fix. So you can imagine what the last eight months has done to my control freak, demanding and bossy self.

Which leads me to one of the big things going on in my life. I’m working, steadily, and I love what I am doing. I haven’t talked a whole lot about my job here because I’ve wanted to keep my professional life out of my personal life. This also stifles my writing because I want to tell you about what I am doing. I want to tell you how this job is changing my life and how it is impacting my community. I want to tell you about how I am overcoming my phobia of birds and played with snakes. I want to tell you that I surprise myself when it comes to my work because I am really good at it. So I am going to start being more open about my work, what I am doing, and why I am passionate about it.

The kids are older and my parenting is changing, our family is changing. I no longer have a baby at my breast or little ones in diapers. That part of my life is over and the dynamic of our family life is changing because of it. I have a teenager. (wasn’t I just one myself!) Sometimes I feel old and wonder where the last decade went. As our family changes, so do our views and the things that we didn’t think were very important a few years ago are now staring us in the face. I often feel torn between wanting to run screaming from it all or embracing it like a long lost friend. And in a month Mr. K and I will be taking a five day vacation sans children and it will be the longest stretch of time we have ever been without children. Without five children around I am not sure how we will conduct ourselves! ( I am sure good sex, good food, and lots of sleep will take place!)

I am surprised at how incredibly busy I am. I had this delusion that as the kids got older I would have more time for myself. This is so far from the truth. They are actually more demanding. And the fighting. The arguing among them all is exhausting. There are more messes, more responsibility and on top of it all, I home school them. Their education is foremost in my thoughts as is preparing for what awaits them outside our home. I am constantly praying and crossing my fingers that I can get them to adult hood without being too screwed up or warped. I just want them to be able to support themselves and be productive citizens, and anything above and beyond that would be gravy.

As for the title of this post, well for one it was to grabbed your attention. Certain local issues have grabbed mine and enraged me that all common sense has seem to have been lost in Mobile, AL. I oppose a daytime curfew ordinance that our mayor has proposed to fight crime as well as one against “saggy” pants. I will be getting into all that in another post but it would not be surprising if I did something purposely to challenge such ordinances. Thus, why I might need bail money. Of course in jail I would get three square meals a day and possibly some sleep which sounds almost like a vacation! This also could fulfill a need to mentor crack whores but from the inside, because who doesn’t love a rebel?

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No Weiner Pictures Here – Random Tuesday Thoughts

Written on June 22, 2011 by Kimberly in General

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I don’t care if she doesn’t do Random Tuesday Thoughts anymore… I’m in the mood for some randomness.

I’m pretty sure by the years end I will be having surgery. My gallbladder is giving me fits and I am actually having trouble eating. Mexican food and I have had to break up. I’m still crying over not being able to eat white cheese dip and chips. And evidently healthy food is bad too because a plate of fresh veggies and some rice just about did me in last night. I’m holding out though as long as I can. I’m not having my gallbladder out until the white’s of my eyes have turned yellow from jaundice. I’ve had gallstones for 14 years, surely a few more weeks, months won’t matter.

Luckily I have health insurance. Unlike this guy who wants to go to jail for free health care.

I’ve actually been shopping for groceries this evening on Amazon. I am not sure if this is the most brilliant thing ever or the laziest.

One of my co-workers, she knows who she is, posted a picture of me in my bathing suit on Facebook. I am so thankful she didn’t tag me in the picture or I might would have to do bodily harm to her the next time I see her. (love ya girl… and no I will not post the picture here on my blog unlike those other brave blogging women)

Is it a sad testament to my character that all the Weiner jokes are still cracking me up?

Over the past few weeks I have waited to see if the GOP is going to put out one good moderate Republican for nomination and it has yet to happen. I was thinking if they all went together on tour buses across the Unites States it would be the greatest comedy tour ever because every time they get in front of people and start running their mouths it’s a joke. And please, someone send Sarah Palin a American History book.

I don’t miss satellite/cable at all. We have been without it for 1 year now.

I think I may getting the hand of balancing work and homeschooling. Either that or I’m delusional.

My garden is not growing as well as I would like it too. The kids enjoy tending to it though. The few eggplants I got literally cooked on the vine the week the temperatures were over 100 every single day.

Damn, it has stopped raining.

Time to go back to my book, The Red Pyramid. Trying to knock out some things on that Before 38 list.

I would like to thank Stacy at Stacy Uncorked for hosting the ever popular Random Tuesday Thoughts!

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This Post Might Be About You – Owning Your Words and Not Censoring Others

Written on June 17, 2011 by Kimberly in Church of Kim, Facebook, General

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The test of democracy is freedom of criticism. ~David Ben-Gurion

For as long as I have been on the Internet and participated in forums, message boards, the online diary community, and now this whole new world of social media I have maintained on principal to own my words. Whether I write for self promotion or to persuade or to provoke others into thinking or viewing something differently I have owned my words even when I have taken a beating for writing them. As a self proclaimed know it all, I do realize that at times I am indeed wrong. In the years that I have been writing online I have maintained a level of respect for those who disagree with me, challenged my beliefs and my politics. I have had this unspoken rule since my very first online journal days – not to delete comments from people who challenged or disagreed with me unless their comments were vile and cruel to others who had commented or out of line comments about my children. In fourteen years I can only think of a handful of times that I have had to do this.

Facebook is not much different in my eyes. I write what I think and why I think it. Sometimes it’s meant to be funny, tongue in cheek, or serious. Sometimes it can be a little of both. I’ve allowed full on debates and arguments to erupt on my Facebook wall about politics, religion, homeschooling, and parenting and in the past two years have only had to remove a handful of comments written by people crossing the line and being vile with their words. I do not want anyone to censor my words, and so I try to respectfully not censor anyone else’s.

I know that in the blogging community there has been some debate about deleting nonsupporting comments or comments that just blatantly disagree or call the writer out, but my opinion has been and will continue to be to not to censor your readers. Unless they threaten you or cross a line concerning your family allow their comments to stand. Let them own their words. You can help by discouraging anonymous comments by disabling that feature on your blog so that a person must sign in using an email address or through their Facebook or Twitter account. But comments are different on Facebook. Only those who can comment on your status, notes, or links are the people that you allow – the friends that you have agreed to share your page with so it really makes no sense to me to censor their comments since in many ways they are invited to interact with you and not the anonymous person who may stumble upon your blog or Twitter account.

Over the past few months I have made comments on several “friends” pages to have my comments deleted. Often times the comments were benign, only one time did I think my comment may have warranted a deletion for foul language, but to just delete a comment on the simple basis that you don’t like it I find hypocritical. If you are putting your thoughts out there for the world to see (again, Facebook is public not private) then there is the expectation that people will read and comment on your dribble. If you don’t want people to comment or only want high fives in an effort to elevate your self worth you should probably keep your words to yourself in a public forum. Don’t write sarcastic remarks or provocative statements on Facebook or engage others with questions in your status and then get all pissed off when someone calls you on the bull shit and delete what they have to say. Not only is it rude, it is immature.

So here is another tidbit of wisdom from the crazy blond lady – don’t cheapen the written word by censoring those who disagree with you. If you are going to play on the adult playground, put your big boy or big girl panties on and be ready to take what you dish out. You can respectfully disagree without getting your panties in a wad and acting like a spoiled brat. It really is that simple.

I know I sound like a broken record but I can’t say it enough – Facebook, Twitter, blogging and any form of social media is not private, it is PUBLIC. When you type stuff out to be published and it is read by others you are a fool to think that you are above reproach. It really is all up for grabs and if you think by deleting those comments that disagree with you or call you out on your bull shit that you are somehow preventing others from saying what they think about you, you are mistaken. If they aren’t saying it to you openly, they are likely saying it about you behind your back, and laughing about it too. I’m just saying.

In the words of my Aunt Cindy and best friend Dianna “Suck it up”. If you put your business out there on the internet, it is fair game.

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