Definitely Among the Living

It has been sometime since I have written. A lot has happened. There are so many things I want to write about but at the present time need to hold off. There are posts, lots of them, that when the time comes will be edited and posted because I hope to share some of my failures and discoveries that may help some other soul out there.

I do have good news to share with you.

Mr. K has a new job! We are both excited about this new time in our life. It is an hour away from home and our schedule has changed but for the better. There are a lot of great benefits to his new job and it looks like when he is off, he will be more present with us as a family.

Over the past eight weeks I have been taking Soul Restoration, a class offered by Brave Girls Club. It was something I had wanted to do and it was made available at the right time in my life. I have learned so much about myself over the past eight weeks, and not only that I have got back to journaling and creating art. I highly recommend this class. It was cheaper than therapy and more effective.

The weather is Lower Alabama has been absolutely gorgeous and we are having a good balance of rain and sunshine. I have been kayaking several times with my friend Casie and looking to purchase my own! This past weekend I did The Great Drift II. It kicked my butt a bit but I am getting stronger.

Life is really good right now.

Still have some things on my Before 38 list though. Have a feeling some of it will get moved to the Before 39.

Let me know how you have been?

Life Is Unpredictable

Shocked. Saddened. Raw.

Tonight one of my oldest and dearest friends called to tell me that one of our friends from high school had taken her life. I could hardly believe it. I was at a loss for words and my mind was racing. While I was trying to comprehend what was being said on the phone to me, kids were running around the house playing tag and screaming and laughing. I thought of our friend’s children and her parents and how devastated they all are.

That I can relate too.

The sudden loss.

The questions.

The what ifs.

I know what it feels like to try and make sense of it all. But it makes no sense. This beautiful woman, whose smile lit up a room, took her own life. It was obvious over the last few weeks that she was having troubles in her life by her statuses on Facebook. In January she sent me a message about something I had posted on my Facebook wall. She told me it was “refreshing” to see a Christian who was nonjudgmental and open to other people. She also wrote that I often made her laugh with my crazy status updates. It was something that made me smile when I was having my own troubles.

I had not seen her since college. Our only connection, other than our pasts and mutual friends, was Facebook in recent years. No more will I see a new picture of her smiling face or playful pictures of her children. There will be no more exchanges of “likes” and witty comments on each others pages. It is not just distance that separates us now, but life and death.

I imagine she was tired. Tired of the fight. Tired of not having peace. Losing patience and just wanting to rest.

I have to wonder did she know she was beautiful? did she know that her smile was enchanting? did she know that she was amazing? Did she forget? Did she know this is not how her story had to end?

I am brutally reminded tonight that we do not know what is hidden behind people’s smiles. That a connection on Facebook can be so superficial yet at times intimate. That life is short. That life is amazing. That life is to be cherished, that we are cherished and loved and should not ever forget it.

 

 

Cleaning House

Even though I am not Catholic I have observed lent many times. Lent has always been a big part of the culture of Mobile, mainly because of Mardi Gras and the Catholic influence here in our Port City. Sometimes I have been successful at keeping lent and other years not so much. This year it is not so much about what I am giving up, but what I am going to take back.

Looking back on the past two years I realize there are parts of me that need to be reclaimed. I also need to tune back in to the goddess that resides in me and listen to her. I need to take inventory of what is going on in my life, who is in my life, and who I allow in my life.

For the forty days of lent I am going to be cleaning house like my spiritual and personal life is an episode of Hoarders. Time to reorganize, get a firm handle on my broom, and take out the trash.

Before 38: Camping & The Lies My Mother Told Me

I have routinely joked that the closest thing to camping I would ever get would be a Motel 6. Thirteen months ago I took a job that required me to get outdoors and commune with nature. I am no longer at that job but I quickly fell in love with the mission statement and became a walking testimony for the organization. Since January, 2011, I have taken up hiking and kayaking and made it a point to go camping. While I didn’t get to do a camp out on the job my good friend, Ms. Juli, made plans for us to go camping over the Mardi Gras break. The whole family was supposed to go but Katie got sick so she and Mr. K stayed behind.

I’m not going to lie. I was nervous about sleeping out in the woods, in a tent, where varmints and bugs resided. O, and killers. Yes, killers. Growing up my mother nixed any requests to go camping and when I asked why I was told because it was nasty. She would go on and on about how dirty camping was and that only perverts, weirdos, criminals and homeless people slept out in the woods and how they would just love to get a hold of a pretty blonde haired, green eyed girl. I totally bought her lies and swore off camping for life.

Since my mother died I have been rebelling challenging the things she told me. I also made a decision to not live in fear. I have seen how fear paralyzes people from reaching their full potential and living full lives. This is the only life I have and I want to show them that no matter how young or old you are there is so much to learn and experience. I also do not want to rob my children of life experiences.

So three months short of my 38th birthday I went camping. I was nervous but glad to be there. I had a lot of personal fears and old messages to put aside. I will admit that sleeping on the ground, especially in the cold, was not for me but it will not deter me from going again. I will just invest in a blow up bed the next time I go. No wild animals invaded our tents and the bugs left us alone. There were some unsavory looking men camping across from us but they left us alone and I made it a point not to let any children go to the bathroom without an adult with them. And let me say the kids had a GREAT time! They absolutely loved it, especially the youngest one. I think she will be a camper for life.

People With Vaginas Vote

This post is for anyone who likes vaginas, was born to someone who has a vagina, or loves someone with a vagina. I’m pretty certain that if you are reading this post this post is for YOU.

People with vaginas are important. People with vaginas are mothers, wives, friends, sisters, and daughters. If you are a heterosexual man you spend a fair amount of time thinking about how you would like to put your penis in a vagina. Vaginas are the gateway to life – either by something going in or coming out. Without vaginas society would not exist. I’m pretty sure if everyone with a vagina went on strike our whole world would collapse.

Some members of our government have forgotten how important vaginas are. They forgot that people with vaginas vote. When the government is not trying to dicktate who people can and cannot marry they are trying to dicktate how people with vaginas should manage their reproductive health. In fact, I am pretty certain that our government and members of a certain political party are on a mission to ultimately control people with vaginas. I have something to tell our government. I have something to tell the GOP. I have something to say to the insurance companies across America.

The people with the pussies are fed up.

Yes, I am a vulgar feminist. I also vote. I have three daughters who I want to have more reproductive health choices than I have had and I want them paid for. Yes, I am pro-choice, but being pro-choice is not about abortion to me. Being pro-choice is about having options, having access to those options, and not having a government or anyone for that matter to tell me what I can and cannot do with my body.

Today there was testimony given in a Congressional hearing on birth control. I want you to see how many women testified.

ZERO

No one with a vagina, a uterus, or ovaries was asked to testify. What does this say about our government and our society? A great deal! And this is an issue that women need to stick together on because this isn’t an abortion issue, a birth control issue,  or a religious issue – this is a personal issue that men and government wish to control. They want to control our bodies, our medical decisions, and tell us what is good for us and what they will pay for when it comes to our overall health. When are we as women going to become outraged and say NO MORE?  When are women going to put a stop from being robbed of the ability to make choices about our healthcare and/or to reduce the access to it? Why should five men testify on whether or not birth control options for women should be covered by insurance? Why is it that vasectomy is covered 100% by most insurance companies in the United States but tubal ligation is not? Why is Viagra and erectile dysfunction medications paid for by most insurance companies in the United States but hormonal birth control pills or hormonal treatment for women who have sexual dysfunction not covered? What this really should say to every person with half a brain is that our government and some men in this country want to dismiss that women have brains and can think for themselves and reduce us to nothing but a vagina. A vagina that needs to be controlled. A vagina that has no rights as to what goes in or what comes out and when and what it should cost.

The reason this is still taking place in 2012 is because men still control our society and our government and they believe they are more important. They think that because they have a penis they are special. If their penis can’t fuck a vagina they feel they should be entitled to a little blue pill that gives them hours of pleasure with a woman’s vagina. If they have diabetes or a disease that impacts their ability to get it up to fuck a vagina then they think they deserve penile implants and pumps paid for by insurance to make it possible. However a woman who seeks to get testosterone pellets or cream to enhance her sexual activity will be denied coverage by insurance.  A woman who needs surgery on her vagina, that was damaged in child birth, to relieve her of pain and make sex more pleasurable will be denied coverage by her insurance. If a woman wants to control her reproductive organs with contraception because she is not ready or might be damaging to her health she must pay out of pocket for it even though pregnancy and childbirth are often covered 80 – 100% by insurance companies and is far more costly, especially if it is high risk. It doesn’t even make economical sense to insurance companies to deny women birth control coverage.

There is a war on women and it is time for the vagina brigade to fight for the right to have equal health insurance coverage and health care access for all our health care needs. We should stop the people with penises from dicktating whether or not we give birth and how. We as women need to make health care coverage in this country more equitable. We need to stop our government from attempting to police every aspect of our reproductive and sexual organs and its processes. This is about our right to make health care decisions without government interference. It is time for women to “occupy” our local, state, and federal governments and end men debating and making decisions about how we govern our lives and diminishing our value to that of only a vagina, an egg donor, and an incubator.