Last night is a perfect example of what an ugly person I am on the inside and the reason I tell people I am not a nice person. I try so hard to not be judgmental of other people and their lifestyles, their social class, their religion, or their politics but then I go somewhere, like a ballpark in a more rural area in our county and I realize what a snob I am.

So last night I go to the ballpark with an old friend to watch another old friend coach his daughter’s softball team. I was immediately nervous about going. I am not a ballpark mom. I am not one of those women who wear a team supporting t-shirt with a chair pulled right up to the fence who hollers at all the players and the umpires through out the game. When I started having kids I spent years watching my sister do the ballpark thing with her two boys and I knew that is not how I wanted to spend my weekday afternoons or my weekends. Luckily none of my kids have acted interested in playing baseball, softball, basketball, or football.

Being at the ballpark made me incredibly anxious and I was totally out of my element, as were my Anne Klein three inch slingbacks. It also made me quickly realize that deep down I am a horrible person. See, when I was sitting there in the stands trying to watch the game, I was distracted by all the people around me. For instance a family who had five children sat to the left of me. Their children were young and were inappropriately dressed for such a cool night. The baby had no socks on or hat and one little girl had a tank top on with shorts. But not only were they inappropriately dressed, they were dirty and one of their little girls who looked about two was sucking a ring pop and it was all over her face and her curly hair was all matted with sticky gunk in it. Another one of their children was running around barefoot. AT A BALLPARK. To say the least, I was mortified.

I really don’t care if people are rich or poor, and I am not sure if this is a cultural difference or a class difference but I just don’t think its right to let your children run loose in a ballpark, much less do it barefoot. Also there is something to be said for keeping your children clean and well kept. I know children get dirty and get messy but don’t take them out in public looking like Pigpen. Comb their hair, wipe their faces, and if you have little kids consider a damp wash cloth in a plastic bag for when you go out in public to wipe sticky messes and snot dripping from their noses. It isn’t cute or endearing to have a child that looks like they just washed in syrup and rolled around in the dirt.

It is also in these times that I find myself to be the most judgmental of peoples parenting. I swear you could write an entire book on how not to parent a child by watching parents at a ballpark in rural Alabama. While by no means am I a perfect parent, it just seemed to me that many of these parents were treating their kids more like pets or herded cattle than like little human beings. I also was totally turned off by how invested some of the parents were in their child’s softball games. I’m all for some healthy competition but it isn’t a do or die situation, after all it is just a game. And if it wasn’t the appearance of the kids that got me or how their parents treated them it was definitely the food they were consuming. Many of the kids I saw last night were fat. I am not talking baby chubbiness or slightly over weight, I am talking obese. These kids were eating nothing but pure junk, and lots of it topped with a sugary drink. I would like to believe that this was just a once a week thing on game nights but by the looks of many of these kids that was just not the case. It makes me sad that these parents don’t realize the life long world of hurt they are causing their children by not giving them a healthy diet now while they are young. And as a fat girl myself, I am sure that comes across as very hypocritical.

I admit it, I am a snob. When I take my kids out in public I want them to look their best, even in their play clothes. I fix their hair and make sure their little faces are clean. I want them to make a good impression when they meet people out in public. I don’t want the first thing a stranger notices about my child is that they are snot nosed and dirty with mussed up hair. I also want them to have manners because I believe it shows decency and respect. Shoes are required, and while I am a barefoot type of girl, out in public with bare feet is just gross. I think its tacky to smoke cigarettes not only during your child’s game, but around children in general and I don’t think it shows good sportsmanship to chatter and yell things at the other kids or coaches on the opposite team. O, and least I forget, could you please teach your child to throw their trash in the trash can and spit their gum in it too by setting the example and do it yourself.

I am sure someone will comment that this probably has something to do with income, and I assure you it doesn’t. Many of the people I saw tonight most likely have middle class incomes, especially if the cars they drove were any indication or the jewelry the ball park moms had on their hands. Income has very little to do with it, but more of the mentality that these people had. I couldn’t help but feel like I was surrounded by white trash and I know that makes me a judgmental bitch.

I am sure I have now riled up ball park moms and dads from around the country with my stereotyping and that is okay. If I could I would buy all of you a corn dog and cheesy fries to show my deepest apologies if I infringed on your sensitivities. I have told my readers time and time again I am not a nice person and here is an example of the ugliness that I harbor inside of me. I’m a snob, plain and simple.

I haven’t done this in awhile.

In Michigan last week a 82 year old woman crashed her car into a beauty salon and after the police report was filed stuck around to get her hair done. There was no way she was going to miss that appointment! I hope she left a tip.

I wonder if jail was on this woman’s bucket list, like robbing banks were.

You know the Twilight movies are bad when they are being suggested as a punishment. I think listening to the audio version of the book so you can here all the incorrect English and bad sentence structure would be an even better punishment.

When American’s complain about welfare in our country they should be glad they are not London taxpayers. This single mom of six is living in a mansion all on the governments dime right next to a famous former Beatle!

I will never move to Texas because of their messed up justice system and now Indiana is out due to this story about seventh grader Rachael Greer who was suspended for five days for saying “no” to drugs and returning the pill to the person who handed it to her.

Let the real Barney Fife stand up! Deputy Charles Wright not only accidentally locks himself in a cell but he tries to shoot his way out.

Now I am going to plug the ever popular site The Daily Shite! Two of my favorite people dreamed this up and I have to say it gives me a laugh every day. Now they have something even funnier a site called Unfollowing Jesus. It’s completely irreverent and it’s poking fun at religion. I have a feeling even Jesus would laugh. Go check it out!

Yesterday flew by with me gasping at my car maintenance bill and the discovery I need new tires. Just one more expense.

And I got another medical bill.

But I have lost 15 pounds and dropped a whole pant size. And bra size. Why can’t I lose the fat somewhere else and keep the nice rounded boobies?

I know all the words to RuPaul’s Jealous of My Boogie. So do my kids.

If it wasn’t for drag queens selling their old shoes on eBay I could never own really nice shoes. Yes, I wear a size 11.

I think I can sum up the total of my life in Madonna songs.
Evidently you can find my blog in google by searching “my vagina is a lunch box”. Draw your own conclusions from that.

Rumor has it that women reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert are leaving their husbands and getting divorced to find themselves. The book should be here at my house by Friday, because this I got to read.

I am looking forward to May 6, when Mr. K and I will be staying overnight in a hotel thanks to my fantastic neighbor Dixie and her daughter for the night of the Norah Jones concert.

Beautiful Wreck is moving. And soon. Stay tuned.

O, yes, this is a Random Tuesday Thoughts post, on Wednesday. I’m procrastinating this week, but go on over to Keely’s and check out the other randomness!

Are all of you ready to follow me down the rabbit hole? I hope so.

And…here we go!

1. The right word would be Good-Bye.
2.Go Away and shut the door quietly, please.
3. Up yours.
4. Hiding in my bedroom is where you’ll find me.
5. Ooh! What is that dessert?
6. Leaving tomorrow is a good idea.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to peace and quiet, tomorrow my plans include returning to my diet and Sunday, I want to knock out more sewing!

Things that make me an unhappy camper and might make me want to hurt you:

Don’t call my house before 8 am unless someone is dead or in serious need of medical attention. I don’t appreciate the church school’s principal calling my house at 8 am to to tell me about the fruit program. A more appropriate time would be mid morning to call when I am more apt to give it some thought. Now I have a sour taste in my mouth.

Don’t harass me about this, that, and the other until after I have had my coffee. I don’t like to get up and be asked a million questions or nagged.

Don’t laugh when you break something or screw something up and make a joke about it when you know it was important to me.

If I am dieting, don’t offer me sweets and carbs and then say “O, I guess you can’t have that” while giggling.

Children I suggest you pick up your Legos because if I step on them you may need to run for your life. Also, matchbox cars should not be left on the rug, especially if they blend in. Trying to break my leg will not make your life easier, it will make it much harder.

I’ve about decided that it might be worth it to hit the girl’s car across the street that parks in just the right way to make it difficult for me to get out of my driveway.

Don’t tell me your weiner dog is not the one pooping in my yard. Nobody else on the street has a weiner dog that wears sweaters. I think I know a sweatered dog shitting in my yard when I see one.

Don’t send me lame sponsorship emails. Don’t make it sound like you are doing something for me when it would be you getting all the benefit. Also, please take the time to read my blog. Sure I talk about marriage, kids, politics, women’s issues and crafting but I also talk about blow jobs and bedazzling vaginas. I also have a very blunt writing style and use profanity. Are these things you want associated with your brand? If so, fantastic, if not well don’t waste my time or yours.

I am not completely unplugging this week but I am doing things with my kids and sewing while my mother in law is here and I have some help. I decided to post a few things from my old blog OnTheFence. This is a post I wrote when I was pregnant with Katie and had three other children. I am not sure if the links still work.

Also, I now have five children, and this post still holds true for the most part. Things have changed since my hysterectomy because my sex drive seems to be almost cyclic. However, my relationship with Mr. K is still a priority. We make time for each other and we let our kids know that our marriage is important. I will say it has become more challenging though in the last five years as the family has grown.

This post was written on April 20, 2005.

If you didn’t catch Oprah today, you should have. Ayelet Waldman was a featured guest, not only for awhile did she have her own blog but she wrote this controversial article for the New York Times. And frankly I agree with everything she had to say, not only on Oprah, but in her article.

Women, mothers are neglecting their husbands, their marriages and putting all their eggs in one basket with their children. I’ve had friends tell me how sad they will be when their kids grow up and leave home, they don’t know what they will do with themselves, and this is coming from intelligent, educated women. They hardly ever have sex — not even once a week, and the thought of leaving their children behind with grandparents or a sitter for a date night or a weekend away is to them the unthinkable. Their entire life is wrapped up in their kids, what their kids are doing, and even what they read is centered around their children. I know one mom who for the last ten years who has continously breastfed with no break and had a baby/child in her bed for that entire time. I’m sorry but no arguement will convince me this is healthy for marital relationships.

I realized early on that the primary relationship in my family should be between Jeff and I. My kids will grow up, they will move out (thank God!), and I want to have a strong relationship with the man I chose to marry 12 years ago. We have a lot in common, we have a good time together, we have great conversations, and we have great sex. And we have a lot of it. If there is one thing I want my kids to know is that I love their father, and that our relationship is full of passion — not just when we fight, but between the sheets. My life is independent of my children, and that is one thing I do want my children to know, that choosing to be a stay-at-home mother was not a choice to sacrifice myself and throw my life away for them. Some days, I feel like I do get lost, that the me isn’t there, but I think I have shown consistently that I am not just their mom, I’m Kim, and I am Jeff’s wife.

It really bothers me when I hear other women talk about the lack of sex they have in their relationships. I’m fat, have saggy breasts, cellulite, and I am having sex on average 4-5 times a week. I really don’t think I am any different than other mothers — I cook, clean, wash clothes, haul kids, volunteer, and I am even a room mom. Up until a few months ago, I ran my own business, working 80 hours a week and yet, I was still having that much sex with my husband.

My friends have said they don’t have time, they are too tired, they have too many kids, or that they just aren’t interested. BUT if you ask them what their sex life was before they had kids, they were humping like bunnies, and many of those women were in college and/or had full time jobs. And you want to know what is really sad, I teach Fertility Awareness and you might be surprised to learn that one of the main reasons I have found why couples are not getting pregnant is beause they are not having sex enough or at the right times for conception to take place. I’ve had clients/students who have had IUIs, IVF, and taken fertility drugs and within months get pregnant after I told them “Ya know, if you had a few nooners, you might could time hitting those eggs just right.” (but thats another post for another time)

I was listening to the mothers on Oprah today, and I felt sorry for them. They are missing out on a really great part of life and missing out on something wonderful with their husbands. They can’t see the forest for the trees, and there is no wonder that men are cheating on their wives, wives they actually love but aren’t giving it to them at home. I just want people who read my blog, whether they be mothers already, or waiting to become mothers, that your sex life and your relationship with your husband doesn’t have to end, he just doesn’t have to become your roommate — he can still be your lover.

Confession I’m a mother of three small children and I have sex. Not only do I just have sex, I have it 4-5 times a week with my husband. I just don’t have sex at night when my kids are in bed, I have it in the morning, at noon, and the afternoon. My husband has actually come home on his lunch break, just to have sex and at my request. I send my husband sexual messages at work, I tell him at lunch sitting across the table from him that I want to fuck his brains out when he gets home, I kiss him passionately (in front of the kids) and I have been known to pinch his butt too. Even fat and pregnant I can still get on top and put my legs behind my head, I give blow jobs, and I make sure that I have orgasms (other wise whats the point?). Having sex is something I have chosen to make time for, just like being room mom, doing laundry, and reading my children good night stories because I know that its healthy for my marriage. (and its fun too!)

I’m still in love with my husband, even though at times he can be a total prick. He is my partner, my best friend, and my lover, and yes, our relationship in this family comes first. If this makes me a bad mother, well, then so be it. I’ve been called worse. (at least I am getting some)