There ought to be a warning label when you take heavy doses of anxiety meds that once you stop, and the fog is lifted, that you will have a flood of memories and emotions that will over power you like raging waters.
This is my life.
This is my life after infidelity.
The realization that something sacred has been broken. No matter if you glue it back together with super glue and decoupage it with joy and happy moments it is still broken. Imperfect. Fragmented. And though I have learned to accept and embrace the imperfect parts of my life, my marriage, and myself it still fucking hurts. I still get struck by an overwhelming sadness at times that I cannot put my finger fully on. I still have a hard time believing that my life, my life with Mr. K erupted into a massive storm nearly nine months ago.
You read in self help books or hear from gurus that you should live one day at a time. That you should be present, not dwelling in the past or worrying about the future. I now get it. And while some days that is hard, I work on this premise every day. I choose myself, my children and Mr. K. I choose joy and love and forgiveness. Some days I fail. Sometimes I fall down rabbit holes or get trapped by “what ifs” but I make the effort to move forward.
Tomorrow, August 28, is our wedding anniversary. 20 years. We celebrate with a getaway to the Mountains this past weekend. Enjoying each other. Laughing. Celebrating. Finding adventure everywhere we went. Back in January I wasn’t sure if we would see this day, and now it is here.
I am better. I no longer take Ativan like candy. I have triggers and I deal with them. I have not self mutilated in a long time. The scars are there but fading. I still cry. Not every day. Sometimes. But sometimes it is because I am grateful. Grateful for wonderful people, therapists, and Mr. K. And let me not forget my children -who have weathered this storm with us and hopefully know and also see the love between Mr. K and I.
At times I feel like parts of our life should come with warning labels but then I think that if they did we would miss out on so much personal growth, joy, and relationships because we would be afraid to take the risk. We would miss the adventure. We would miss what life is all about.
It is going to be a bumpy ride so just enjoy the scenery.