I want to quit you*.
Well, that is a lie. I’m lying to you and to myself.
So here is the ugly truth.
I’m still people hoarding and I was seriously called out on it by my sistahs and then I was called out on it, AGAIN, by my therapist.
But this is HARD WORK.
I don’t want to give you up even though you are bad for me.
Yes, I said bad for me. I feel icky all over just typing that out. Saying it out loud makes me cringe.
And this goes back to the decision I made some time ago.
I am choosing me. I am choosing joy and happiness and peace. And while I know that not every moment will be glitter and rainbows, I do know that being around you drains me and takes away my peace.
Your negativity and judgment is a joy killer.
Your lack of compassion and grudge holding brings me distress.
Your politics and religious prejudices/condemnation infuriate me.
I just can’t do it anymore.
And I will be honest with you I don’t plan on giving you anymore of me or my time. I am not picking up any more pieces, fixing any more problems, playing the blame game, listening to whining, and enduring your procrastination to fix your own life. There is so much negativity that anything wonderful you have to share with me is overshadowed by it.
And why should I continue to do this if you are not willing to respect me, honor my boundaries, and give back? Or worse yet, do for yourself. Why should I put energy into helping you if you are just going to do nothing but belly ache about how you have not gotten a fair shake in this life?
Plus I’m judging you. There I said it. It frustrates me that you just wallow in self pity and the blame game and sometimes I want to shake you or worse, like punch you in the face.
Which probably makes me an asshole and really not a good friend.
In fact, this whole post makes me feel like an asshole.
Even though I have every right to do what is best for me and my life and my family.
It is like I have to remind myself that THIS IS MY LIFE and not anyone else’s. It is like my friend Jessica wrote a few weeks back “I need nutrients to grow. I don’t need fillers. I need meat n’ taters.”
I don’t need to have my life full of people, especially people who are unhealthy to me, because I have loss issues. These are my issues and I collected you and loved you and did all these things for you but what it boils down to is I really did it for me. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted people to like me. I wanted YOU to like me. I wanted to be your knight in shining armor. I had this idea in my head that if I had all these people in life that it gave me value.
Of course I didn’t realize this was at the root of my people hoarding but now I do.
And I don’t mean to hurt you or you or you. I had no malicious intent.
I’m quitting you.
And it is really for the best.
*This is a general “you” that applies to a variety of people in my life. This is not about one single person.